Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather 'round and witness as I reveal one of the heretofore most closely guarded secrets in my platinum-plated creative toolbox. That's right, folks, what I'm about to show you can't be learned in any schools, and you won't find it in stores. It's a veritable treasure trove of writerly gold, and it's about to be yours for the taking.
Friends, this narrative silver bullet will deliver you, with astounding reliability and ease, to the land of storytelling milk and honey! Ladies and gentlemen, I assure you, what I am about to share with you is one sweet and simple formula to make telling bullet-proof stories a lead-pipe cinch! Stronger than kryptonite, easy as pie, and sweet as antifreeze. And ladies and gentlemen, did I mention I am giving away this secret for free? Shake your heads in amazement if you will, but turn away at your peril. For, friends, this is a limited offer, a one-time event, a now-or-never ticket to cross the Styx. So come close, and listen closer, for I will now deliver on the promise which I have stood before you today and made.
Ladies and gentlemen, write this down. Tune out some distractions if you feel like it. Be patient and true to the process, friends, and the destination will come to you! Friends, you need only to keep your keen minds at the ready, and my Foolproof Formula for Telling Amazing Stories on the Internet will do the rest. That's right, folks, listen close.
My friends, you've got to start strong. You never get a second chance to write a good first sentence. Now, friends, a crucial part of any story is the middle part. And just as the decades between youth and old age are filled with meandering acts of questionable intent, so should your compositions be. Folks, let me tell you about the laws of nature. We are all, every one of us, waiting on this earth to die. Denial aside, the most fundamental truth of our lives is that they end. Now I don't say this just to be macabre, my friends. I mean only to emphasize the narrative veins, parallel to those of life, that must run also in our stories. Friends, do you understand? Just as to dust you shall return, you must write with both dread and yearning for the inescapable conclusion to your story.
Remember the mosquito, friends, who walks on water due not to supernatural ability but because of the simple science of surface tension. The lowly mosquito prays not for the water to hold!
Friends, do not become distracted by shiny digressions as the end draws near, for all that glitters is not gold. And be not tempted by the comforting familiarity of easy cliché if you feel your story start to escape your grip, for escapes portend autonomy, independence, and life! Just as a baby bird grows up to leave the nest, your story must expand and exceed your control, and when it does, do not oppress it, friends. Do not dwell or resist. Rather, friends, accept the crown of your success and bid your creation farewell. And, friends, if you must ease the transition into nothingness, be pithy, even to the point of abruptness.
Nobody likes a long goodbye.