Let me tell you a little about being a ward of the state:
You wake up whenever you want to. Maybe the dog farted, maybe you need to brush your teeth. Who can tell? The coffee’s cold by the time you get to it, but you figure that’s why God created microwaves, so you remove the cheesy grits you reheated and forgot to eat yesterday and you pop in your coffee and you press the button that says “Add 30 Secs” - which, come to think about it, sounds pretty good. What if you could just add 30 seconds, like whenever you wanted to? To whatever you needed to. Evil Knievel would be alive if you could do that. That first kiss at homecoming with Kristen when you were 14 might not have slipped away. You take a bite of your grits. What a guy couldn’t do with an “Add 30 Secs” button for life instead of just the microwave. And think, you could press it as many times as you needed to. Need an extra decade? It’s a lot of presses, but keep at it, champ. The world is your oyster. There’s a beep. Your coffee’s ready. Then it hits you. These grits aren’t from yesterday at all. Yesterday is the day before today. These grits are from the week before this week, and that’s not the same as yesterday. I mean in some senses, yes, but not in cheesy grits time it isn’t. And now your stomach is upset, and seeing the green fuzz of life in the bowl doesn’t help. All of a dizzy sudden, you’ve thrown up, and there’s the smell of wet fur and the tinkling of dog tags and at first you try to stop him from licking the floor clean, but it’s futile because he’s a dog, so you let go, slump back against the cabinet, thank God above, and laugh. Because through His Divine Grace and with the help of your faithful companion, you’re going to extend your “Days Since I Cleaned The Kitchen Floor” streak to a solid 100. And life is about nothing if not having goals.